I want to stop breathing. Every breath I take brings me more pain, so if I stop breathing everything will be better, right? Haven't gotten that part mastered yet, though.
Got the physical issue worked out, but I lost my job for being sick for too long. Lovely of them to do that for me.
Mom is dying. There's no other way to put it. The cancer and her idiot surgeons have killed off her liver and her body is simultaneously eating itself and filling itself with the waste and other materials that should be filtered out by the liver but aren't (as it's pretty much dead now).
She's always in pain. She can't eat much, and you can see in her upper body (where she's not full of bile, waste, abscesses, and the like) that she is skin and bones.
She is almost entirely gone mentally, and I wonder if her body has turned to eating itself (the human body will turn the brain and other tissues into food/energy if the need is great enough).
She's seeing shit that isn't there (not the normal "shit that isn't there" because we're natural witches and commune with ghosts and spirits) and it's terrifying her (doesn't make me feel too cozy either, to tell the truth). She has to be watched 24/7 because she gets confused and lost and does weird things that don't make any sense and sometimes endanger her. After the stunt she pulled tonight, we have to put her in a nursing home.
We don't have anyone to watch her constantly, and apparently the hospice people can't be bothered to leave one of their people overnight with my mother. I guess she's not high on their "to do" list. They just want to sit back and watch her die. Easier for them, I suppose, than for the rest of us.
I hate it. I hate that she's suffering. I hate that she's so miserable and confused (she comes through sometimes, she has really lucid and normal moments. I think that's the worst part).
Selfish as it may be, I also hate that I've spent most of my life taking care of her and no one else seems to know how. It's like they never paid attention and couldn't pick up on the most basic things. When she's confused and seeing shit that isn't there, I just work with the story she's made up instead of yelling at her and getting mad. It's not her fault. (Yes, mom, the police found those kids who were on your roof throwing shovels, and they've gotten them all home safely. No, no one's going to hurt them. Let's go inside, now, ok?)
Dad and grandpa get mad at her. They argue with her. I don't know what they're thinking, it won't help her to be upset with her. I get that they're frustrated, but so am I and I'm not taking it out on her...
I'm so tired of being the thing that holds everyone together. My family, sometimes my friends, etc. I'm tired of compromising myself (my health, my energy, my mind) to make others feel comfortable or happy. I'm tired of letting myself get stepped on. I'm tired of being the strong one who has to hold it all together.
I'm tired. I want to sleep and not wake up.